are we all forgotten

Its been months since I last wrote, and to be honest i have months worth of ramblings waiting to be plucked out.  I came so far to come crashing into this wall.  I am a mess, picking myself up from this, unfortunately, would have the same ending that humpty dumpty had.  I sit in this overcrowded coffee shop, for 10:30pm, wondering who knows.  Can they see the pain i bear in my chest on my face, is my mask hiding it well or am i fooling no one?  I am a wreck, i feel hopeless as if i screamed no one would even hear me. How do I fight for something I dont even see an outcome for, how do i stay positive when i feel like a crazy person? Lock my up and throw away the key, I am so confused and lost, and lost was supposed to be two years ago.  I have learned that lesson, but that lesson seems to want to keep effecting my future.  I have someone, someone i am supposed to be able to talk to, but i feel so far from them.  No talking could mend what i feel on the inside.  I sit silently, as my insides scream to break something.  Maybe if my thoughts were on film my person would understand what i was saying.  Everything in film seems easier, it comes out just right, cant be mistaken for anything else.  I cant put these thoughts into words, i never really have been good with my words anyways.  I am far too impulsive and seem to always say the wrong thing. I just want to breath, laugh, i want the smile to reach my eyes again.  I want to be desired, to flirt, to live on the edge NO i want to jump past the edge and go where no one else has.  I need to be guided home.